run away from trouble?

This summer has become the summer of selflessness. I put aside anything that really had to do with my personal pleasure in order to help my family. I put aside my biggest desires and wants so I can help my mother through a difficult time. Now I'm make in the city and I feel like I'm being punished for doing this. I've waited a solid good 3 months in order to get this started and now it's hit a complete wall. There's been no communication in the past week and it's driving me crazy. I can't move forward and I can't decide on what to do. How can I? I'm going to be stuck in the present unless I get something. I know we did not wait for 3 months only to let it go. I know feelings are involved. I know the seeds are there for something amazing. I only wish he'd believe in it more and wasn't so cynical about me.

Unlike similar situations though I'm not running away or giving up on this. I've given up and lost so much in my life. I've lost feelings that I will never be able to regain again. I will be damned if it happens again. I've lost too much this summer and I will fight for what I believe in. Cowardice is never an answer.

That was my angry rant over my current situation. Also if anyone I know has had a hand in causing it I will be very pissed off and very disappointed. I've been through so much this summer the fact this is happening is just not fair. I know life isn't fair but for fuck's sake I think the last two months have been enough. I need a turn around quick.

Here's a bit of music though. We all know P!nk as a bad ass chick who can kick any of our asses. The one side of P!nk many of us haven't seen (unless you're a die hard fan) is her soft side. Yes, P!nk has a soft side. How soft? Well her songs have been to closest to move me to tears. So let me share quickly two songs. She's amazing (if you didn't know this already).





my fav:


Its only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breathe before the kiss
And the fear before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

maturity

I've been thinking intently for the past couple of hours. There comes a point in life where the world seems to differentiate. The things that made you happy before, just don't seem to fulfill you as much as they used to. Living in the huge metropolis of New York, it's easy to get consumed by the city itself. It's easy to lose who you are and what you stand for. It's easy to conform who you are in order to fit in with the seemingly forward crowd.

As I sit in the middle of the East Village listening to revelry beginning on St. Mark's I begin to realize the change I've undergone.

As a college student you're invincible. I mean with the array of sweets in the underground candy shop how could you not. Tired? Have some coke. Unfocused? Try some Aderal. Depressed? Here's the vodka. In our altered state of minds anything is possible. Anything is possible until you're savagely attacked back to reality.

I take this summer as a blessing. Before it, all I really cared about was having a good time. I blacked out so much and frankly did not care about what I was doing. Why should I? I'm 19. That's how life should be. I was the indestructible one. I was Superman. Not only was I Superman but I also turned into a villain. I butted heads with people, I said regrettable things, and I just made all around bad decisions. I ultimately ended up becoming a part of the scene. I ended up conforming myself in order to fit in. The values I held so dearly started to get lost in a haze of hangovers.

I find myself wanting more. I find myself wanting to start the foundations of my career. I find myself wanting to have more than just hookups. I don't want to be another face in a rather synonymous crowd. I don't want to be a part of the illusion. I don't want to be a casualty of this social arms race.

The only thing I want to aim for is reality. All I want to know is concrete and tangible. Cause at the end of drunken nights and coke binges it's all that matters.

The good news? I'm already on the path.

xoxo

P.S. - new music coming on Sunday

the investment

This isn't financial, professional, nor artistic. It is a bit selfish though. It's always a good thing to take care of yourself. Lately, I haven't been feeling like myself. The smiles seem forced, the laughs are a bit contrived, and my conscious hasn't seen the light of day. I feel on edge about eighty percent of the time and I worry about the smallest things. See we all aren't perfect and I am no exception. Behind the smiles, the jokes, the laughs, and the optimism there's a flawed core. Tomorrow I'm heading into my first psychotherapy session in order to deal with stress and anxiety issues. Now I made that sound extremely dramatic and grandiose. It is not that big of an issue, I just want to have it dealt with before I go back to school and fully immerse myself back into my life.

Life slapped me extremely hard in the face this summer. I've learned a lot this summer and I've lost quite a bit as well, both physically and emotionally. Now I've come to a point where I need to successfully incorporate these lessons into the framework. Let's hope I do so and come out of class with an A+ and a shot of vodka to boot.

As the time slowly creeps to 3am and the busy streets get quieter outside, I'm optimistic. The next semester is full of exciting new ventures that I cannot wait to tackle. I'm also a bit apprehensive. My stomach curls at the idea of moving forward (might just be cause I'm hungry though). It's a frightening venture I must say, life that is. I was afraid of the dark at one point also, but now I revel in it. I think I'm going to be fine here...even if a nightlight is always welcome.

*end of emo post*

xoxo

p.s. - this posts makes my sitch sound a lot worse than it is. jsyk.

the biggest hurdle

So I've been dealing with a major issue at home lately, that being I don't want to be home. I've also come to the realization that I am a hypochondriac. Like a headache = a brain tumor and a weird feeling in my leg = impending stroke. Yes, that's how bad I am, so in hind sight not going with premed was probably one of the best decisions I have made. I am suffering from like this really weird sinus headache I'm guessing cause the cold pills are doing the trick.

The mind is a fickle thing.

Yea I know random, but hear me out.

Our brains are one of the most difficult parts of the human body one could dissect and completely understand. I mean think about how much is stored into our minds. Think of how your brain holds every single embarrassing, delightful, and fearful thought you've ever had. Yet no matter how unique our thoughts are, we all have the same brain. Sometimes our brains make us think we are invincible only to show us, in some fashion, it can be our master. See, lately I've been dealing with issues I haven't dealt with since I was younger (hypochondria for example). It's weird because I thought I had gotten all over that. Then there's the passing of my grandmother last month (it was a month two days ago).

I barely showed any outward emotion, if anything I just bottled it up. Yet, ironically, two days ago, I realized the actual impact of her death. I've become so fearful of the future because I know I'll be getting older. I'm scared of everything that getting older does to you, and her passing has really reinforced that fear. Also it's made me my hypochondria crazy strong. I'll save the rest of my emotions for a future scholarship essay though.

Also I need to get back into the routine of things and head back to new york.

my sister is a cunt.

also musical recommendation time! i'm going to introduce you guys to Ke$ha (who I just recently learned is pronounced Keh-sha like Ketchup).

She's RCA's next muse and is showing all indications of blowing up when her single hits the radio. (It kind of reminds me of Lady Gaga before she blew up actually). You actually might have already heard her (she was the female voice in Flo Rida's "Right Round"). Ke$ha is a sassy girl (think Uffie) who sings abouts partying, partying, and oh more partying. It's all so much fun though, and I'm sure she'll end up being a guilty pleasure. So just so you guys stay ahead of the curve he's a couple of songs by her! till next time!

epic

xoxo