Dancing On My Own

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her
I'm right over here! Why can't you see me?!
I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home
I keep dancing on my own

Who can say they haven't felt like this?! You know what I mean. You go into a club, eye someone, and plan your move. The next thing you know that person has found someone else! Then there you are, on the dancefloor, looking back at what could have been. Now let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's not like marriage can arise from this scenario. Yet, you lose that excitement for a sort of satisfaction. The song is by the ever-amazing Swedish songtress Robyn. (check out the video below)

Emotion is a personal...issue of mine let's just say. I feel too much or too little of it. This is ESPECIALLY true when it comes to relationships. Ever since my first itty-bitty puppy love in my younger teenage years to the flings I've had as a young adult, I've commit my fair share of offenses. I've cared too much for someone who didn't care so much for me. I've neglected several who just seemed a little too into me. I've also tried to put together a thing/fling/love binge that was doomed from the start. I've played all those cards. Having gone through all of these varied yet, I will admit, novice experiences I get confused when that pesky crush comes up.

See I'm having an issue at the moment. I think I have a forbidden crush. So forbidden I can't even describe it in much detail on here for the cozy audience. It's a crush that I hoped would've died while I was abroad. It was a crush that insisted on growing while I was abroad. It's a pesky crush. It's mischievous. It's stubborn. I feel like I need to just shake it off, but I can't. It won't. See here's the reason why. Unlike 98% of my other crushes, boyfriends, and flings which were born out of lust, this one has not. To tell the truth I did not notice him until the first time I sat and spoke to him. Something was captivating about that first talk. Something grabbed onto me.
I didn't want the conversation to end. I wanted to keep going, bringing up new subjects. Hell, it could've been the perfect first date.

I always find myself not wanting to stop talking or stop hanging out with him. In all actuality if it weren't for the "forbidden" aspect I probably would've made a move. Now I've come back from abroad. I've come with the hope that somehow it is defused. Yet of course when I saw him again, it felt exactly like when I left it. He also got a lot cuter. Not that he wasn't before, don't get me wrong, but it's kind of crazy what new clothes and haircut does to someone. All of these elements combined have created the oh-so-familiar volatile mix that I know too well. Several questions arise. Should I even pursue it? I don't want to ruin what I already have with the person in discussion. I don't want to chance someone else leaving my life. If I do pursue will he even kind of feel the same way? There are just so many questions.

I don't really understand why I'm posting this on here. I feel like it's a bit of cautious subject to talk about with my friends. We hang with the same friends and opening up "Pandora's Box" could cause a lot of unnecessary drama. We all know that only belongs on Bravo with the Housewives. Not to mention I'm not too sure who I can talk to about personal issues. I don't really have a certain "go-to" person anymore. It's times like this that I am nostalgic for the past a bit. Before fear and anxiety became the stem of issues and solutions. When the impossible still had a sense of tangibility. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the hopeless romantic. In fact, I am quite hopeful.

xoxo

Summer Time

Alright I guess it's time to blog again. First off I had an AMAZING FABULOUS OUTSTANDING MARVELOUS time abroad. I honestly recommend that anyone who is still in school to do a semester abroad. It's one of the most rewarding experiences ever. You get to meet new people and just have the time of your life! I am absolutely happy I went abroad, even though I missed a lot of amazing high points my frat hit this semester. I am ready to get back into the groove of New York this Summer and next year. So let's talk about the tail end of my semester.

First off, I went to MADRID!
It was my favorite city! Spanish everywhere, bright architecture, and an amazing nightlife! God I cannot wait to go back to Europe.

In London I made an amazing group of new friends that I will definitely keep in touch with towards my last year at NYU. LAST YEAR! Time flies! Within the time frame I've started my blog a lot has changed. I've found out stuff about myself that I really did not know, and being abroad has helped me establish who I am even more. It's sort of a cushion to have a better idea of who you are. It feels really good to know what you want and what you don't, what irks you and what excites you. It makes living SO much easier. You also notice a lot of the flaws you have than one needs to fix. You also notice a lot of the flaws OTHER people have. All of these lessons have been valuable and are part of the path we call life.

Aside from that serious bit, abroad was a BLAST. Went out so much, danced so much, drank so much, and LIVED so much. I had the best time of my life and it was complete foreshadowing to what my life is going to be after Sept. 1st (21 yay!). Unfortunately no abroad lover, but it's me. This is not to be expected haha.

This summer I will be in New York interning and working and living. A lot of my really good friends will be in the city and I could not be anymore excited! There's so much going on in my life it's so exciting yet scary. With the moving forward comes risks and fears. Risks and fears that at times overtakes me. I need to learn how to calm myself down, it would help A LOT. A progress it is.

As I wait for this blowout summer to get going I'll be stationed in PA watching endless Real Housewives and "relaxing". It sounds good, but that feeling will ultimately wear off. Just not as quick as the novelty from all the reality TV drama.

god shed his grace on thee

I'm back from my whirlwind semester abroad.
Tired as hell.
Extremely happy to be back.
Also extremely out of it.
It was an extreamely good semester.
London, Paris, Madrid.
I'll put up a better update when I'm not a zombie.
:D

XXXO (xxxo)

Spring Break

So I'm in my final stages of Spring Break at the moment. I'm trying to piece together my lazy and rather scattered brain in order to hurdle through the final month of my semester in London.

TIME FLIES!

It feels like it was yesterday I was at JFK anxiously awaiting to board the flight to London back in January. Now I'm anxiously waiting to see what the final month has in store. In terms of my travels I got to visit on the cities I've been wanting to visit for a LONG TIME! PARIS!
Can I just say I feel in love?! Although I did a lot of the tourist sites I just loved the city. The way it looked, the people, the food, oh the FOOD! I seriously need to go back and just roam the neighborhoods. I can honestly see myself (sprucing up my french) and moving to France for a couple of months or years. Ugh! It's such an amazing city. Don't worry I brought back some pictures for everyone to enjoy!The sights were breathtaking and so were the boys ;).

Aside from currently trying to get in the mind frame of work I am also planning my future. College is officially over in about a year and then it's loan bills and such! I'm looking into graduate programs for arts administration. I think I can do more school, as long as it is interesting. Who knows I might go rogue and just work and do random things. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I just decided to open a cupcake shop in the middle of Paris. I mean would life suck as bad?

An idea I have been toying with is living abroad for a while. I love being abroad, although I miss my family and friends VERY much. It's a good experience. While I freely roamed the streets of Paris all I could think about was how I could plop down in the city and be one of the locals the tourists long to be. I wanted to be the suave and rather well-dressed man sipping on some coffee (preferably a mojito) at the cafe, people watching on breezy April day.

I think I have a lot of ambition. I want to accomplish so much in my life. Sometimes I wonder if it is too much. Then again, I don't think there's such a thing as too much. If we did not have enough to look forward to in life, well that would just make life stale. Don't you think?

Massive Update

I did not realize I neglected this space for so long, so sorry. I guess life is moving as quickly here as it does for me in New York, even if I don't have so many extracurricular activities or I don't work. Anyways I've just finished writing out what I need to memorize for my marketing presentation on Monday, and I need a break. I've been so frustrated and tired it's taking a bit of a toll on me. The annoying this is that Spring Break is not for another, oh, 2-3 weeks? I'm really excited and bummed about Spring Break also.

Why bummed? Well let's start off with NYU fucking up my finances and thus fucking up my plans in general, if they are not fixed within the next week or two. They always seems to find ways to mess around with me, even when you think the cost is clear.

Why excited? Well I'll be in London that weekend, most probably, and I'll be having an alcoholic night or two with the always lovely Dave Tester. Secondly, I'm heading to a city I've longed to go to since I've watched Lady & the Tramp and have become more and more engrossed by art and fashion.

Paris!

I'm so excited and so is my sister. She's not coming along but she'll be living vicariously through me when I'm there for the week. I plan on doing a lot of the tourist stuff. Walking down le rue Champs-Elysees, taking pictures by the Tour Eiffel, going to the Louvre to see some exquisite art, and being a new-age Quasimodo at the top of the Notre Dame towers and posing with various gargoyles. I also plan on doing some out-of-the-ordinary things in Paris. I think it's a goal of mine to find the LES of every city in Europe along with the goal of hooking up with a guy from every city, but let's keep that on the downlow.

My other planned city was Florence so with my fingers crossed I can finally go to Italia and see the Duomo, Cathedral and of course the gay pilgrimage that is Michealangelo's David. Oh and I get to see my VERY good friends who are studying there right now. I mean look at this:

I'm also looking to go to Madrid on May Day Weekend just because it's Bank Holiday and all. I want to be able to use my own language at some point while I'm in Europe YA KNOW?!

In terms of my life here in London it's been very busy. I feel like I've been in my room more than I've been outside in this grand city and it makes me sad. School work is annoying. It hinders the study abroad experience. I do take pride in the fact that I've been to a lot of places within the city. Some people have stuck to being here in this 5mi radius from our dorm. As if. I want to see and experience this city. Feel me?

This semester has also been very, drunk. I miss the simplicity of a coke and rum (or 4) to enjoy my night. Also, Ellie Goulding's debut was released. Can I say a superb piece of electrofolk? She debuted at #1 and I give the album an A-. I recommend you guys check it out. It is phenomenal. That's all I really have to say at this juncture. Ill try and be more up to date with this.

P.S. - anyone looking for a roommate? and omg i have to do these internship stuff STAT

till next time

xoxo

Maybe, just maybe

Sorry I've neglected the space so much, it's been a busy two weeks! I can't believe I've only been living in this magnificent European city for almost three weeks now. Admist the jet lag, the 3hr classes, and the early pub crawling, I can safely say I've adjusted. One of the hardest caveats to get over within the first couple of weeks was dealing with the fact that my extended NYU family will not be present this semester. I have to admit, I've had ok nights out here in London. A good pub here, throw back a couple of ciders, maybe throw in a smidge of hard liquor. All nice good fun, but for some reason I just did not feel satisfied. There was so much more I had to explore, and finally I did. Last night I finally hit up the gay scene in London and my how in love have I fallen. I danced the night away to my J.Lo, Gaga, and of course Britney.

One of the best things about me being abroad is the fact that I am able to re-invent myself in ways. In New York everyone already has a certain image or expectation of me when we go out. I'm not complaining or saying it's a bad thing but sometimes it's better to experience "another life". I always love going out clubbing with friend but never have the balls to be THAT guy. The one that is clearly having a good time, the guy who engages the crowd, the one that has the portion of the club looking back at him every 2mins, the guy who is the center of attention. I've never really owned up to that specific role. Last night I was able to and it just made me realize how much more credit I should give myself. It was some of the most fun I've had here, correction, the most fun I've had here and I achieved it on my own (with the help of a couple of friends). Due to recent events I've always been kind of reluctant to be excited and proud to be gay. I may have an unhealthy amount of Britney songs and know pop culture inside out, but I'm not walking down the street throwing glitter at people, singing showtunes with a rainbow exploding out of my ass. Some of the actions my friends took just turned me off. The gay world in New York can get ugly and I did not want to be a part of that. Somehow in London it feels more embracing than in the city. Maybe I feel that way cause I am literally throwing all my inhibitions out the door while I'm in London. Anyways, I can't wait to hit the gay scene in London again. (Probably this upcoming week) I'll make it another event I'm sure.

Aside from my first London gay club experience I have also experienced a couple of concerts. This week alone I've seen a couple of acts: Delphic, The Drums, and Ellie Goulding. The Drums were so much fun and I can't wait to hear their first full-length album. You guys must check them out, their music is so refreshing and relaxing. Makes me want to go into a John Hughes film and dance during the awkward school dances. Delphic put on an amazing visual show and those synths were ridiculous. Then we get to Ellie. I've been raving about Ellie's music on here, but is she good live as well? I'm here to report she absolutely is. Her voice is spectacular and her shows are very entertaining. I can't wait for her to blow up she's had my heart for quite some time, it's she stole a couple more.

That's about it on this end. I'll be posting more pictures on my flickr account and such, so stay tuned. Next week, I'll be in Manchester from Friday-Sunday visiting the ever amazing Dave Tester for a weekend to remember I'm sure.

Till next time

xoxo

Definition of Tired: Redefined

So I've finally touched down in LDN! Now that flight was not the best. Not only did I get no sleep on the plane BUT upon our arrival into London were were delayed. We circled around the airport for about an hour and then were taxing for a good 30mins before they decided to just park the plane and have buses come and takes us to the terminal. That alone took a while. The reason for all this? An inch of snow. AN INCH! AS IF! One of the LDN airports CLOSED! Anyways, I got to my dorm and settled in and met the new roomie for a semester. The rooms are small but they are very well kept and I commend the London crew on a job well-done. I'll upload pictures as soon as I'm not a walking dead man. Seriously, I'm so fucking tired. The small adventure today included a trip around King's Cross with my two girls Jee and Maggie. We ended up in the St. Pancras station and talked a to couple of cheerful and dowdy British figures in order to get the essentials: phone, adapter, and FOOD. I still need to get used to this whole pound thing. Anyways I'm beat and will probably drift off to sleep in an hour or two so until lataz!

xoxo